you light me up

you have no idea,
how much...

i miss you.
i miss us.

i really do.

you are the only person,
that makes me smile so bright.

and so happy.

or do you...?

:)

tee hee.

^^
YOU ARE BACK!!!
i am glad and HAPPY.
woots.

3 weeks. wow.
that was fast.

lalalalala. i am now more calm and chipper.

i don't think anyone has matter as much as you do in my life.

i wish you didn't go...

come back soon.
even if we rarely see one another.
i miss you being around.

:(

tears

i really do just feel like crying.

...

thank you, especially you...

i will endure all this discomfort and pain.
i know i will...

but if one day i loose all strength,
i want you to know, and remember...
that i love you ben, always.

i might not have had the guts to say it to you again.
but i do. always have, always will.

... i was really happy when i got your text message.
wishing me happy birthday.

it was your text that mattered most.

and it happily made my 28th birthday... meaningful.
because all these years, you... well you just made my day and year that day.
^^

and thank you to all my other friends for your kind wishes.
especially you.

almost lover

almost... called you on valentine's day...
and thank god i reminded myself...
... if we were meant to be, it would have happened already.

that time of the year

it now comes that time of the year.

where it's ending soon.
and you reflect what happened...
and make new resolutions...
and not keep them.
so i say screw it.

a lot of things has happened this year.
lots of ups and lots of down.
that sort of made my life pretty balanced up.

in general, i guess... i lived life well.
i have everything i ever wanted.
except ben
i felt love, pain, agony. etc
i tasted hate, lust, tears, temptations... etc
i was happy, content, sad, angry, emotional... etc etc etc.

i spent some quality time with UTT!!!
^^ happy die me.

i don't know till today if there were any actions i did,
that i would regret later in life...
but like i said before, regrets are silly...
what ever mistakes you did, learn from them.

always reflect on your life, not compare with others.
if you want to compare, compare with those less privileged.
geeze like so... bitchy, looking down on the less fortunate ones
well it's not to make yourself feel better in life,
rather feel more humble and blessed.

simply because, even tho they are less fortunate in various means,
they have the courage and determination to carry on living.
simple life.

this... writing has some how blown out of proportions. ops.

i like/hate this picture.
it's like one part evil, one part... human. tee hee.


i guess what i am trying to type is that,
the biggest lessons learnt this year is,
that i shouldn't think too much of the future.
shouldn't let peer pressure make me rush into doing things,
that i am personally not ready for.

i should also always have in mind that,
whatever road we take, god has something planned ahead for us.
and whatever the outcome, we should be content with it.
and if it doesn't turn out to be a desired one, just smile,
walk past it, straight ahead to a new chapter.
because there was for sure something to learn from it.

i also learnt that, everybody wants something.
including people who are keen with going out with you, and then announce that if they want to go shopping with you, they have to bare with my bitchness etc etc etc
out of everybody, including myself.
i think, true friendship doesn't really exist anymore.
it's overrated.

so some roads, you are meant to walk alone.
it's probably better that way. no bad feeling towards anyone.
no finger pointing.
no name calling etc.

i also learnt that, you can, live without me.
just that... i am coping this reality without you.

i do think life is fun.
but honestly,
i am so tired of it.

so, next year, i will just live day by day.
not plan anything... much... ahead.

urghs.

maybe... it's for the best.
i don't know.

... but what i do know is that i really do feel like shutting down.
i am just so tired with dealing with "friends".

i don't know what is real anymore.
... or who is real... genuine...

i feel that facebook is overrated apart from it's videos...
... i just feel really really really tired in seeing people.

so i guess... either i go for a long hiatus... or... make this blog private.
... or just write somewhere else where nobody will see or know.

... i don't know.

... i hate it that he blocked me from seeing his wall. pfft.

like an old record

like an old record,
that just keeps playing a rerun,
not because it lacks of new inputs.

... but simply because it does it,
to remind me... that i should move on.

hufffsss

mmm lately my life is in such a mess.
super messy.
i am super lazy to even do my laundry... -.-
clothes have been piling up around the room... house...


i stole this soap. haha.


something you gave me,
that till today,
i have yet to open it.
i guess, it will forever be my pandora.


life sometimes has no meaning.
you could seek so much for that simple meaning,
but thru out the entire journey...
you just simply forgotten to, live that life.

makes me wonder,
if my time were to stop suddenly...
will i have many regrets?

as much as i would be in denial...
i know i do already have some...

Perfect Nightmare

heard this song on the radio today...
and...
well... i guess the lyric sort of says it.
mmm...






Sometimes we fight
Sometimes I cry
Why don't I
Just tell him goodbye
Sometimes I should
But sometimes I don't
Build up the strength to
Say that it's wrong
Sometimes I hate
Sometimes I love
Sometimes I hurt
Sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wait
For him to change
But it's okay
I've disguised the pain
And I don't ever wanna leave him alone
They say i'm brainwashed but i'm in love
With this man
Yeah

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream
No way (x7)
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare

Sometimes I keep my cool
Sometimes I let him know
Sometimes I even pack my bags to walk out the door
Sometimes I feel safe
Sometimes I really don't
Sometimes I promise that i'm ready to let him go
But I don't ever wanna leave him alone
They say i'm brainwashed but i'm in love
With this man
Ohh ohhh

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream
No way (x7)
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare

Hoping he's changing
But i'm scared he's not
Can't see a way to leave
Help me open my eyes

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream
No way (x7)
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare
No way (x7)
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare

... i do wonder, if i will ever wake up.

till death do me apart

... i really really do miss you.

i hate it when i keep thinking about you.
that i sometimes lose focus with my life.

...
but i should just,
keep reminding myself.
that a ill person...
should not...

hope you had a absolutely great birthday today.

its your birthday

it's your birthday today.
i don't know,
if i should, sms you.
to wish you.
a blessed day, week, month, year, life ahead.

.......

you

i have been scared for life.
without even knowing,
that the scar is, so deep.
that it still hurts inside.

no where to run to...

there are a lot of things that i want to write about.
but i am just lost.
i don't exactly know where to start.
what to start...

i thought going back to hk for a visit would have done me good...
and it did, in many ways...



until i was walking around central...
and saw this guy wearing this tshirt
at IFC...



every where i went,
everything, somehow,
reminded me of you...


... you can run but you can't hide...

transmission of moods

what started as a great chill out day...

with ex college mates, for a fantastic, but just way too early in the late morning catch up at mdm kwan pavilion, with great coffee chit chat bitching ranting life work session, and a bid farewell to zoe's new adventure to singapore,

to an evening of delicious good company and food to celebrate jason's birthday together with friends, and later a really lovely coffee mixed with a bottle of sweet thick creamy milk that i just received earlier that afternoon from froggie (whom i forced to buy me that so ever yummie irish milk from the airport from his recent redouvouz trip somewhere in the world) served by a really great waitressing crew in the ever friendly restaurant somewhere i the middle of ampang and klcc (hock choon terrace), eventually left me emotional...

why...

why is it that every time when i least expect it, you will show up...
figuring that it would be safe to go out...
just avoid the clubs because i don't want to bump into you...
yet... in such a place, even if it is, your territory...
serendipity plays a real mean evil joke...
for allowing me to see you...

i wanted to say hi badly.
i wanted to just go over and hug you...
and tell you not to over work...
but i know it's not my place...
it was never my place...
will never be my place...

i hate you so much.
so much that i still love you.

if only love was fashion,
then this could be so last season,
sadly, it's a chanel,
timeless and classic,
everlasting.

some days, like today...

i do think that,
the other little brother and i,
we share the same music taste.

and somehow, both the little brothers,
they just happen to love pink a little too much.
hehe.

how kiuts. ^^





i'll be away again. for some time now.
being online the past few days has been great.
but tonight,
i have been once again reminded of how i am feeling.

... and i certainly don't enjoy being all pretentious around friends.
i need to... forget you. for good.

... and if there's a need to write... i will just hide the blog for a while then. ^^
until then, a big HUGS to a brand new fabulous year, and years ahead.

the last and first

every night before i sleep,
and every day when i am awake.
you are the last,
and the first person, i think about.

and every night,
and every day,
i keep reminding myself,
that you no longer exist in my life.
that you mean nothing no more to me.

you have been, always, selfish.
it's always been about you.
and now it's high time, about me.

if it's you by alex chu

my emotion feels so topsy turvy lately.

i... honestly don't know why you would send me an sms...
stating that we need to talk...

i know what i wrote on my facebook.
what i don't know is, it's because of that, we suddenly need to talk.

... it some how sounds serious.

do you actually care?

why do i always feel like i am the victim.
then it turns out that you are the victim...?

it's not entirely fair... i tell you how i feel...
you, only hide them from me.
keep me guessing.

i don't really want to meet you. because i might just cry, if i did.

all i want, is to be treated right. as a friend.

is that, too much to even ask for?

because i don't want to make you sad,
to trouble you,
to disturb you,
i decided to stay away,
be distant...
to give you back your space,
to feel free...
then yet you call me back...

i am just lost now.
i don't know how to face you...
all i feel like doing now is just, crying.



sighs.

KL e kaerimasu!!!

finally i am back and done with ipoh!
YAYS!
two more days and i am done with the shoot!
double YAYS!!!

i almost forgotten what home sweet home meant...
how comfortable being in my own room is like...
regardless the mess.
my own privacy. yes to random masturbation!

finally my own... BED!!!

it's good to be home!
;)

MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!



p/s THANKS ben ben. i really really love the pressie. and bleks i couldn't wait to open it ma~~~ heh. HUGS!