hopefully it will happen with a smile.

i considered for not writing for awhile.

but then, who knows what will happen today or tomorrow.
so i decided to pen them down now,
just incase i forget.
especially since i forget so much easily now.

so i better just type them.
as i think.
of what i can remember about.

but i think too fast.
way too fast for my hands to type it out.
so there might be mistakes.
so bared with this hand racing mind typing post.

i often time think a lot before i sleep.
one of which is will i wake up tomorrow morning.
and if i didn't would i be happy and content.
would i come back and haunt or be able to move on.
which one of the many reasons,
led me into celebrating my birthday at the shelter home.

i didn't do enough good deeds.
and if i died in my sleep.
i would be thrown to hell.
without even able to fence for myself.

but saying i didn't have enough time,
would be lame.

we all have more then enough time.
i feel like i have too much time some days.
26 years on earth.
i wonder how many more i have.

but somehow people know when they are about to go.
i often have that feeling.
especially since now the heart is constantly at pain.
and the dry cough has not stopped.
i wonder will i cough out blood?

harvey bernard milk said he wouldn't live more then 50 years.
he died at 49.

when i was little i remember crying.
my sister asked me why.
i just watched a series about this lady,
who had her fortune read.
her life line was short, she is going to die young.
i saw mine, and it was short as well.
i will die young.
i cried. fearing i will die young.

now. i don't really mind that much.
this is not suppose to be a sappy post.
and it's not a sappy post.
when i decided to write again,
i promised not to write depressing stuffs.

to live, you must accept death.
... i didn't accept life... so can i embrace death...

mmm... ok it's getting late. my mind isn't working any longer.
had too much of 'little nyonya' on youtube.
from episode 8 i watched to episode 22...

to all the dear people in the world.
(who knows me...)
if you see me, perhaps fainted, ill, in some accident,
some ill-fated condition etc. etc. etc. don't save me, PLEASE.
if you did, i promise you, i SWEAR i will kill you.
don't save me. i am not worth it.
let me go.
i don't want to suffer. i fear that agonizing pain.
don't save me especially if i will come back silly.
... if this happens i WILL sue you big time. SUE you BIG time!!!
just let me go, because it's probably my time.
so let me slip to a world i probably would find bliss.

and i don't want any wake. funeral.
people don't make much time to see me/you when i am/you are alive.
so why bother coming when i am are dead.
i want them deprived/spared of seeing me STIFF.
i want them to remember the laughing me.

i do wonder, will i smile when i am dead.
gosh.
i wonder, if i will wake up in the morning.
and be able to write more another day.

i still have aplenty to say.
to rant to talk to brag about.
perhaps another day.
some other time.
but we will see for now.
will i slip away. hopefully with a smile.

but oddly i am rather excited about it.
such mix emotions.
must be the sleepy talk.
good night world.