insync

ahhh~
i think i really am a looney.

seriously. one second HAPPY. one second MOODY.
like a mental bipolar case patient. zzz.
i might be in sync with my mood.
but... i am certainly insane.

work seems to go smooth sailing. for now.
fingers crossed for monday and tuesday.
hope it really flows well.

and i so want that role in that tv series. bleks. haha.
... thick skin i might be now. but i want it!

and every thing else seems to be the same.
stagnant. should i poke him? mmmm... zzz.
maybe, i should just be that slut and sleep around.
close one eye. close the emotion part of me.
put it to a deep sleep and never to snooze it.

well today, i choose to be HAPPY.
and nothing can/should change it.

... the past few days i went shopping crazy. -.-
... and mmm his cute toiletry bag is sold out. damn it!
... i want that bag now... urghs.

staying... trying to stay focus.

am i coping?

:(

i really don't know.

one moment i feel so at peace.
like i can.

next moment i feel so down.
so unease.

one moment, i feel like telling someone something.
then some friends says it's best that i don't.

and then i think i should.
... only then i think maybe, i shouldn't.
and just keep it to myself.

dear god. whatever it is that you have set for me in this life.
just guide me to it then. whatever it may be. i will smile about it.
please help keep me focus.

miscommunication

isn't life just so funny.
so ironic.

that, everything seems to have a trend.
even a topic. a blogpost.
somehow that tends to lead to a similarity.

was about to write about miscommunications.
and evann wrote something similar to it. only, he managed to save it. while i...

i probably never had that friendship to begin with.
let alone that relationship that i once craved for.
it's now probably 2 months since i last spoke to him.

last i saw him was when alex, jason, leo, daniel and i,
we dine at my elephant.
i hope he didn't see me.
i hope when jason yelled for my name, inside the restaurant,
he didn't notice it.
i hope, he didn't recognized my friends.

i didn't plan for our friendship to go like this,
especially one that i treasure so much.
but sometimes a miscommunication unresolved,
just leads it to this path.

i was always open. ready to speak it all out.
he was never, to me at least.
just reserved. fearing that i might have other thoughts.

but how could i not?
when, i know nothing else, but can only guess.
and now all it feels is, i was nothing,
merely another online persona.
not even worth, the friendship.

i used to ask,
was it something i said?
was it something i did, that made you mad?
for now, i am just too tired to understand.
to figure out people's mind.
too tired to get them to open up.
sometimes it's not worth the hassle.
the mind game.
it's just tedious.
even fruitless sometimes.

Like a Song by Lenka




i have been feeling of late, very very uninspired.
to the verge of nothingness.

nightmare

last night, after so long, i had a nightmare.
one that was so real.

i thought it was, real.
almost... maybe it was?

was trying to escape,
was running away,
but sadly somehow i was captured.
i was forced and drugged,
hence weak, lying down on the operating table.

there was this psycho pushing me to rooms,
i was sedated pretty heavy, i felt damn dizzy.
damn damn dizzy.
and since i thought i was sedated,
i figured that's why i don't feel the pain.
just feel the fear.

each rooms has a super looney,
who would want to operate me,
either amputate me,
drugged me more or something odd.

and one point i knew i was in a dream.
i mean come on... to be pushed from rooms to rooms,
from one looney to another, just so they can torture me...
WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE!?
so not real loh... but i couldn't wake up.
oddly.
and there was this super super super scary creature, a male.
yelling at me.
he was not scary, but the super looney chasing after me was...
maybe he was waiting for scary creature to push me to his place,
cannot remember...
but he the words he yelled was scary...
DO YOU WANT A LIPO!?

WHAT!? ME??? LIPOSUCTION!? -.-#
NO WAY LOH!!!

I had to wake up.
I want to wake up.
But I can't.
I REALLY TRIED.

i kept telling myself it's a damn dream.
and i have to wake up.
this is too real for my liking.
that scary creature was YELLING.
think you can wake up!? HELL NO~~~!!!

his face was so close, with so much blood.
GROSS!!!
that's when i prayed. and amazingly. i woke up.
THANK GOD!

i think this is probably the result of eating too much KFC.
had like the whole variety bucket to myself last night.
YUMS. hopefully i was just KFC OD.
not some looney demons after my fats.
heh.

perfection

play, listen, understand the joy at the end.



nothing is perfect.
and life is never, perfect.
but that's what makes it, perfect.

2 days in Paris

until we forget each other completely,
almost.
always the same for me,
break up, break down, drink up, fool around.
meet one guy then another,
fuck around to forget the one and only.
then after a few months of total emptiness,
start again to look for true love, desperately,
look everywhere and after two years of loneliness,
meet a new love and swear it's the one,
until that one is gone as well...

zzzz so drunk... tipsy~

i am so tipsy...
so... drunk...
that i need to type all these crapz...

i am so confused. i don't really know what to do.

i was out with proffan, adrien, ivan and victor.

victor was pissed with ivan's friends...
we... he... needed to dance.
so we went to maizen... maison?
well and got 2 bloody vodkas...
and i got freaking drunk out of it...
OH MAN!!! i puked!!! on the way back from the club to sri hartmas!
so not posh!
and i even went to sharaton hotel to do some shitz.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!! so damn drunk!!!!
hatez!

every other emotions... well... we shall save it for the pandora box.
HUGZ! :)

edited: it was actually ivan who was pissed with victor's friend. and omg there was more dramas... only remembered them after i woke up... zzz... like mr red tshirt got super insulted. kakakaka. and he yelled back to the guys... lolz. well i don't remember what he said in total but something along the lines you think i wanna sleep with you~ haha.

reminder

i have to keep reminding myself lately,
since i tend to forget so quickly...
that i am not a good person.

not exactly evil or mean.
but definitely not up for a sainthood kid.
with that, baring in mind...
i should not fall for someone so pure.
because i am not worthy.

i now might be a lot more tame.
but i still have evil thoughts running in my head.
mental visuals about people getting killed.
i might not say it. i might not do it.
but it's all running in my head.

ok... so i am pure evil.
... so before i ruin...
or do anything silly...
^.^ i better just stop thinking happy.
you deserve so much better.

smile smile smile smile smile...
and be just happy with myself. ^.^

just for laughs

i have nothing better to say.
so i better not say anything.

my memory is being very selective lately.
somethings, i just can't remember very well...
others... i remember clearly. -.- HATEZ.

i guess i should just laugh more.
thank god for this silly prank,
it made me laugh out loud so... LOUD!!!

:(=

:(=

go figure...

head north

i am... so confused.
so lost...
i don't... know what i am suppose to be feeling right now.

hatez.
why can't emotions be easy?

'if you are lost, just head north. follow the north star. it will guide you home.'

dumb music effect

i really really hate those stupid musics,

with dumbass ambulance,
or police car effect sirens.

it's damn annoying.
it's damn... confusing!

you might think that there's an ambulance, police car behind.
or some sort of emergency... -.-

and honestly... does it even help the song better with those siren effect!?

NO IT DOESN'T!!!
hatez.

falling...

sighs. i know i said that, i don't wanna ever believe in love... again.
but i might be falling for someone now... -.-#
that shouldn't sound like a bad thing... only it is...
because... it's going to be the same old thing, one way street...
i don't think i will ever let you know... ^.^
it's going to be... my little secret.
ok... so fine it's not really a secret... but i just wouldn't say it...




I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
Fallin’ for you

As I’m standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It’s just you and me

I’m trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I'm fallin’ for you

Oh I just can’t take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spilling out

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

I can’t stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it
I think I’m fallin’ for you

Can’t stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it
I think I’m fallin’ for you

I’m fallin’ for you

Oohh
Oh no no
Oh no no no
Oh I’m fallin’ for ya

like a virgin

just got back from a long exhausting day.
had a quick catch up with the little brother.
went for a PT movie screening, with his friend.

was nothing fabulous. a light comedy.
like a virgin, a korean movie,
about a boy who is very much a girl,
a little girl trapped in a boy's body.

seeing it's PT and the movie was about transexuals,
they had 4 guest there.
to talk about their hardship in life, and transexual confusion etc.
how public perceptions was like towards them etc.
was really really interesting, since i don't know that many of them.
only 1 or 2... and it would be rude and awkward to questions them...

they talked about every possible scenarios etc,
and they talked about boys being in denial with themselves.

made me wonder if i ever wanted to be a girl... am i in denial?
and then i looked at my penis and decided, I LOVE MY DICK! ^.^

let the stress begin!!!

the super long tiring months have officially started.
well fine, they sorta started few weeks back...

but now the race has officially started.
it's going to be mentally tiring till the year end.
hope i can somehow cope with it... -.-#

money... i love money!!! i want money!!!
that's the only inspiration i should need.
nothing else.

had a really fun trip down to malacca yesterday.
to pick up the little godbrother. so kiuts. ^.^
seeing him is worth the long boring drive.
a real good de-stress trip.

haihz... the thought of working later is depressing.
hahaha. why can't money just come to me, freely.
i dun wanna work or hunt for you la... ^.^

let the stress begin! bring it on B!TCHES~

eleven years

it's been eleven years since i last held you.

it feels as if yesterday,
i was next to you...
your smelly smell...

i remember clearly that day you ran out of the house...
and i was chasing you like mad...
naturally i was annoyed...
the more i called the more you ran.
-.-
then you saw a cat, and started chasing it...
and we ended up sitting next to one another...
because you got so caught up barking at it...

and we looked at one another...
LOLS.
and you was about to leap away from me...
when i caught you. hehe.

i seriously miss you Astro boy...
so sorry i was never a good master.
i should have known you weren't well...

even tho it was only 5 years that we had together...
i will remember you forever.
those moments we spent.
the holes you dug at the garden.
the bones you chewed.
... i promise to jot them down.
those fabulous silly memories we had...

I AM TERRIBLY SORRY THAT I DIDN'T HAVE A PROPER GRAVE FOR YOU. SO I COULD VISIT... DADDY DIDN'T ALLOW IT... I HATE HIM TILL TODAY FOR DUMPING YOU IN A DUSBIN IN DJ... I AM... REALLY SORRY BABY BOY. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. AND HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY IN HEAVEN. I REALLY DO HOPE TO SEE YOU AGAIN... AND WE CAN PLAY FETCH... AND I CAN TICKLE YOUR STOMACH... AND HUG YOU TIGHTLY... I NEVER WANT TO LET YOU GO. I MISS YOU BABY BOY.

i just, only wish...

i wish you were here now,
so i can tell you how my day was.

that i am not sure,
if i am now, happy or sad,
and hope you could hear me,
and at least try to cheer me up.

i wish you were here,
sitting next to me,
by my side,
and tell me it will all be alright.

that i am strong, and will put up an amazing fight,
as this life has ups and downs,
going thru them makes me a better me.

i wish you are sitting here now,
holding me tight,
reminding me to breath in out right,
that tomorrow will be another day,
and it will end right, all bright.

if that does not happen,
and when, if it rains,
you will be there,
shading me, with an umbrella,
and guide me back to our roof,
where lays our roots.

i wish you were hugging me now,
and whispering me those right words,
that no matter what or how,
if i failed,
at least i have tried my best,
and with that, you are proud.

i really wish you were hugging me tighter now.
telling me, that you care,
and only wish to see me happy,
that nothing else would matter.

i just, only wished... that you even exist.

rain drops keep falling on my head

woke up at 4am.
couldn't sleep.
was thinking way too much.

i feel that a big storm of bad waves is going to hit my life.
lots of stress...

and woots it's raining now at 7am.
... it's almost tempting to just lie down and rest.
could i finally rest in peace...?

those drizzling sound. those rain drops...
they sound so tranquilizing. calm.
oh how so damn tempting.

the smooth cool chilling breeze...

it actually does feels silly to sleep again.
if you fall deep into your dream land,
you couldn't feel, see or hear any of this, natural orchestra.
this, life performance of nature in the morning.

nope, nothing like the real thing.
however amazing this fake rain may sound. ^.^